the mumblings of a tired mama

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I’ve been in the US five months now, with two trips to Haiti in between. I’m disconnected. My body is here, my soul is there, my mind is lost in translation.

I recently considered giving up. I’m tired. I find myself jealous of everyone living an easier life. I want to waste money on make-up and clothes. I wish I could go back to the day when consumerism was baseline, and abundance didn’t feel like sin. I miss the feeling of being “done with work.”

It must be the combo of Greek passion, German ingenuity and Scandinavian determination in my blood that fuels this ever-present, nagging, desire to make something better. Navigating this road alone has become increasingly difficult, and- I’ve yet to find a man with the strength to hold me down. 

Loneliness and exhaustion aside- I’m also privileged to know God’s plans are radical and perfect, and more rewarding than online dating.

My eyes have seen His miracles first hand. Thank you, Jesus.

I’ve held children so depreciated of human affection, they retracted to my touch. If we held them long enough, that changed.

I’ve collapsed in the arms of Jesus disguised as a skinny black woman. It was then I learned when Jesus said: ‘whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me...’ He’s saying- HE is the poor.

I’ve come back to life after convulsing in fever for five days. The moon shines more vividly since malaria coursed my veins.

I’ve negotiated my children’s lives with a gun pointed to my head. That was the day I learned what it really, actually means to completely trust God.

The hardest days taught me the most powerful lessons and... I would do it all again. Because I can’t go back to that girl I once was, I must acknowledge how much these experiences have changed me. They’ve transformed the depths of my perception.

It takes a lot to shake me nowadays. Simultaneously, I’m frantic about things everyone else is able to ignore. Sometimes, I feel like a crazy person. When I do- I remember the radical words of my Father.

 He said:  if you have two coats, give one to the poor.

 He said: do not ill-treat or oppress foreigners.

 He said: if you close your heart to a brother or sister in need, you can’t claim to love me.

 He said: open your homes to strangers.

 He said:  freely open your hand to the poor.

 He said: if you want to be complete, sell everything you have, give it all to the poor.

 He said: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 

And... that’s how I keep going, when I want to give up.

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Tausha Pearson